Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Eli's a-Coming and the Cards Say...

A broken heart!!! Not really. Actually, a New Blog.

For some, this is perhaps a cryptic blog-title and elliptical (ellipsesical?) lead-in. For the creator of Bad Chicken, Mess You Up!!!, however, which you can find at clearlycustommade.blogspot.com, it's an all-too-real reminder of one of the most popular, yet worst, yet eerily alluring bands of all time: Three Dog Night.

Read his inaugural post today.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

If You're The Whipmaster, Then Prove It

Jingle: "He's an expert with a whip
and he rides the Mississip.
The Whipmaster! The Whipmaster!
They call him the Whipmaster!"

Announcer: [ over scroll ] "The producers of the show would like to thank Todd Blanston for stepping in to play "The Whipmaster" during contract negotiations with our regular star. The producers would also like to point out that proficiency with a whip is very difficult to achieve and takes many years, and it is hoped that viewers will bear that in mind."

[ dissolve to interior, River Squen steamship ]

[ Whipmaster enters ]

Cowboy: Say.. aren't you the man they call the Whipmaster?

Whipmaster: That's right. Some men use a gun.. some a knife.. others just use a big rock. I use a whip. [ steps up to the bar ]

Bartender: Well, if you're the Whipmaster, then prove it.

Whipmaster: What'd ya have in mind?

Bartender: Knock this cigar out of my mouth! [ places cigar in his mouth ]

Whipmaster: Very well. If you insist. [ steps back, then repeatedly cracks his whip in an attempt to gain proficiency with his whip ]

Bartender: [ whip scars burnt on his face, as the cigar flies from his mouth ] Wow! That's really amazing! You really are the Whipmaster! Alow me to.. buy you a drink. I'll just get that bottle down there at the end of the bar.. [ starts to walk down there ]

Whipmaster: [ holds up his whip and stops the Bartender ] Why go all the way down there to the end of the bar? Why not make the bottle come to you? [ cracks his whip at the bottle repeatedly, finally taking his whip with both hands and wrapping it around the bottle to pull it closer ]

Rich Man: [ ambles into the bar ] Maybe you'll let me buy you a drink.

[ Music Sting ]

Whipmaster: [ turns and scowls ] Youuu..

Rich Man: You see, Whipmaster, I'm a very rich man. For one thing, I own a silver mine.

Whipmaster: [ angry ] My father owns that mine.. and you know it..!

Rich Man: Oh, really? Well, that's not what the law says! Not as long as I hold this deed. [ pulls out deed and holds it up ] And I intend to keep it.

[ Whipmaster repeatedly cracks his whip toward the deed, until the Rich Man lets go off it. The Cowboy jumps in to toss the deed to the Whipmaster before anyone else gets hurt by his poor aims. ]

You've made me your whipping bot for the last time, Whipmaster! [ points gun ]

Whipmaster: Not quite! [ cracks whip, aiming for gun, but hits Rich Man's crotch instead ]

Rich Man: Owww!!

Whipmaster: [ grabs gun, as Rich Man stumbles out ] I guess he won't be using that gun for a while!

Bartender: Boy, I've never seen whipping like that!

Becky: [ mad ] I thought we had a date, Whipmaster?

Whipmaster: Oh.. Becky.. darling.. sorry.

Becky: Why don't you take that whip to the dance! [ trots off ]

Whipmaster: [ looks at the camera ] Why don't I take both of you? [ cracks whip, knocking over fake dummy of Becky to the ground, then reaches over to pick the real Becky up ]

Becky: That whip is one smooth talker!

Whipmaster: [ wraps his whip around her ] That it is. That it is! [ kisses her, as the crowd laughs with him ]

Old Man: [ runs in holding dandelion ] Hey, everybody! Lookit here, the big ol' dandelion I found!

Whipmaster: [ grins at the crowd, cracks his whip and hits the Old Man in the eye ]

Old Man: Oww!! Oww!!

[ the crowd laughs at the Old Man ]

Jingle: "The Whipmaster! The Whipmaster!
They call him the Whipmaster!"

Friday, September 09, 2005

So That's Why He Wanted to Be Pope

Apparently, the Pope is being sued (or more properly, "Joseph Ratzinger" was sued before he was elected Pope), and is claiming head of state immunity. No one seems quite sure what the outcome will be. Sounds like a scam to me.

Reader Note: while I'm not normally a fan of simply posting a news story without any commentary or explanation, this piece seemed like the sort of oddity that doesn't get much coverage on front pages, and therefore is the sort of news that you, the faithful, resurgent readers expect to be given full attention on PositiveMode. Also, it's relevant to an argument NegativeMode and I had regarding Vatican statehood (for one take on that, see Here).

Thursday, September 08, 2005

My God, These Blogs Will Surely Rise Up and Conquer Us All

CNN is looking for a "Blog Reporter/Producer". Oddly, this is someone who will probably mostly report for CNN about which CNN.com articles have been linked to by the motley assortment of computer publishers known as "bloggers". This is the sort of conventional attention that drove me from blogging in the first place (see 4 posts down), and I'm not sure what we can do to stop it.

Following this cue, I think that the New York Times should start a section on which articles from yesterday's papers readers liked the best, or read the most.

Also, note that this post itself is just a regurgitation of a comment to my previous post. In my defense, which I only halfheartedly join myself, I thought that this deserved the attention that only the main page of PositiveMode can offer.

Thanks for the tip, Big Ern. (although I sincerely mean to offer thanks, and wish to notify readers of who is really responsible for digging up this information, note that this line, too, is just an obligatory blog convention).

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

The Title Problem Does Somewhat Impede Seamless Communication

I've waited long enough. I've read too much cutting-and-pasting. I think [I know] (that was, if recollection serves me correctly, the first time I've used brackets at PositiveMode) that I am ready to "blog" again (I'm still uncomfortable with how comfortable virtually everyone, particularly the MSM and the Square Community feels with using "blog" (verb or noun) and "blogger" (noun and possibly adjective) in common parlance, and that's why I put it in quotes).

This time, truly no one may be reading this message, but if anything that improves the Quality of my Blog Intentions.

Current Problem With Blogs: Old News

Current Promise For Resurgent, Praiseworthy Blogs: New Wisdom

Checking "in" in positive mode, sir!